Any parent knows that disciplining your child for inappropriate behaviour is a double-edged sword! You have stern words with your child? Instant guilt! You take something away from them? Instant guilt! You stop then doing something they enjoy? Instant guilt! Nobody said being a parent was an easy business and those who do say it have clearly never been parents.
So yes, parenting alone is difficult enough but parenting a child with ADHD? Let’s throw in another helping of guilt please because while you know they struggle; you also want them to behaviour so where is the balance?
I’ve always said that in the majority of cases girl ADHD presents very differently to boys and it’s one of main reasons why girls with ADHD tend to go undiagnosed or getting diagnosed in later life after many years of struggling, not understanding why they are so different, why they can’t just get it right!
“Girls and women with ADHD tend to lean towards guilt because that’s the way we’re wired, but parenting in itself is a guilt fest.”
ADHD Girl
So how does boy ADHD differ from girl ADHD?? Well like I mentioned in one of my latest podcast episodes, Guilty of ADHD? (listen to it here) girl ADHD brains along with the difficulties in focus tend to be wired more towards the endless possibilities which often manifests as anxiety, whereas boys with ADHD tend to be very much live in the moment without the focus. How do I know this? Well one I’ve done my research on a professional level and two, I’ve actually had both boy and girl ADHD at different points in my life.
When I was a child, I presented with what is generally boy ADHD, which means I was loud, disruptive and frankly rather annoying. From a personal point of view, it’s why a lot of my childhood is a blur, I never thought about the next day or even the next hour, it was literally what was happening there and then. Whereas somewhere in adulthood my brain chemistry changed to that of girl ADHD, whereas I’m forever worrying about the endless possibilities (it’s why I use organisation as a coping strategy.)
“It’s so weird to have had boy ADHD as a child, but have that turn into girl ADHD in adulthood. I can’t say I’ve met many people who had a similar experience.”~ ADHD Girl
So where am I going with all this? Well, what I’m trying to say is because boys with ADHD are very much live in the moment and don’t think about the future, they tend to have a big issue with making a link between their behaviour and consequences. By the way when I say boys with ADHD, I am being stereotypical and some girls may present like this as well, which is fine because every general pattern has an exception.
Because boys have a major difficulty linking their behaviour with consequences, they need to be given consistent boundaries and consequences to, for want of a better word, programme their brain. So, what do I mean by consistent boundaries and consequences or even discipline?
Discipline in society seems to have become a dirty word equated with given a child a beating or treating them badly at least, but that is something I’ve never supported or ever would support. Discipline in it’s original meaning, just means instilling consequences to instil a sense of right or wrong. That’s what I’m talking about, ensuring that a boy with ADHD knows the rules and also what will happen if they break them.
“Discipline isn’t a dirty word and it actually helps people to learn good values and a healthy mindset for adulthood.
ADHD gIRL
Also, on top of that, for boys with ADHD and even girls, the brain doesn’t see black and white, it sees things in technicolour which while it makes life more exciting, it also makes everything a heck of a lot more subjective too. It’s one of the reasons we can convince ourselves that we’ll still be on time for a ten-minute journey which we leave for three minutes beforehand.
With such subjective, structure and routine are 100% needed to be able to function in some aspects of daily life and that includes having the discipline to stick to it. While being constituent with boundaries and rules can sometimes make us feel like the bad guy, it is 100% essential for boys with ADHD to help wire their brains into thinking about cause-and-effect i.e. Actions and consequences.
“While helping your child to learn consequences may seem like a guilt inducing thing in the short term, it will ultimately give them the best possible chance in the long term”~ ADHD Girl
Of course, all of what I’ve said isn’t an alternative for appropriate medication and I do think to a certain extent that because boys with ADHD are more live in the moment then medication can be a very effective treatment to help them pause and think things through more.
Catch you next week ADHDers where I’ll be talking about the infuriating rise of live chats and how detrimental they are for those of us with ADHD. Apologises for the length of this blog article by the way, I always go for short and sweet but end up with big and daunting, but ADHD, right?
