Well, I’m back from my holidays, well rested and raring to go. I even did some writing while sunning myself on the beach, but more on that in next week’s blog article. This week’s is all about the toll that masking can take on a parent.
The other day I met with a friend for coffee, and she mentioned how rundown she’d become, she even had one or two delightful cold sores that had flared up, a sure sign the body is on burn out. When I asked her what was up, she said that while she loves her children very much, that sometimes they are too much for her.
A few years ago, when her second child came along, she decided to go part time, now they are both in school and the plan was to go back to working full time but she’s no longer sure if she can do it. Her eldest who is a boy, aged 9 has high functioning autism and she’s convinced her youngest has ADHD or autism possibly a combination of the two.
“Nobody understands how hard it is to parent children with additional needs, it’s a very unique exprience which means it can be isolating.”
ADHD Girl
“Is it their behaviour?” I asked, assuming that the constant battles of stopping them climbing on furniture or misbehaving on the supermarket had taken its toll. “No” she replied, “they watch me and copy me all the time” I blinked not quite understanding what she was talking about then after further discussion I realised that she was talking about the way in which her children mask.
Masking is a coping strategy to overcome difficulties caused by neurodiversity. It’s emotion exhausting for the people who do it because they never feel like they can be their true self, but up until this conversation I never stopped and considered how difficult it might be for a parent.
“Masking is a very real and emotional exhausting coping strategy.”
Copying everything around them and constantly studying are ways to make sense of the world and also to avoid portraying the wrong behaviour, but I can also understand why my friend would feel so exhausted by that. Not only are there all the battles, and stuff that comes with normal parenting, but there is the constantly being watched and copied, like you don’t have anything to yourself.
I don’t know what the answer is in terms of dealing with that because those children are trying their hardest to mimic and study behaviour so it’s unfair to tell them to stop doing it, but at the same time it can feel a lot when you’re constantly the subject. I suppose it’s just food for thought and something to bear in mind.
If you want to learn more about masking and the impacts it can have from a more personal perspective, you can check out last month’s podcast episode called ‘Behind the Mask’ which can be found here. Until then see you same time next week ADHDers and allies!!
