We’ve already established that we ADHDers are all or nothing kind of people, we don’t do things by halves and when we fall, we fall hard, completely, all at once and without regret. Even small crushes can feel overwhelming for us.
Sadly, for me, it’s one area of my life that I have been less than successful in, but it’s not really anything to do with ADHD. I’ve had lots of opportunity, I’m just very particular about who I date for two reasons; number one; I have a huge amount of self-respect, which prevents me from dating creeps, and also tends to intimidate quite a lot of the male species. Reason number two is that I am a Christian, so I’m not into what now seems to be the generation thing of ‘sex first and ask questions later’.
“Over the years I’ve got incredibly fussy when it comes to dating, which means I just can’t date someone without reason- what’s the point?”ADHD Girl
In the past, I have dated, but the whole all or nothing has usually got in the way. If I’m not feeling it there is no point in continuing to see how things go; life is short and without that spark; it’s pretty boring.
Another thing is, I don’t really have major crushes a lot, most single guys I know are lovely, but there is just not anything there. Maybe it’s just because over the years I’ve grown incredibly fussy; I know what I like and don’t like, that can make dating tricky. I’m not saying I’m a major catch, but anyone I dated would have to bring something pretty good to the table.
I remember once many years ago now, I did have a major crush on one guy, I remember telling my close friend and they were like “Why though? They are such a geek!” Geeks do tend to be my type by the way; there is nothing wrong with a man who is sophisticated and intelligent.
“The potential to think of lots of possibilities at once can make trying to have a relationship difficult because you can easily see how it could go incredibly right or terribly wrong.”ADHD Girl
Because I don’t get crushes too often, when I first started feelings for this particular person, I would have a meltdown on a daily basis because I didn’t know what the heck to do with whatever it was, I was feeling. I actually thought at one point that I was in love with the person, which looking back now seems beyond riddiculous; I hardly knew them at all.
When you have ADHD, you can think of infinite possibilities of where a potential crush or relationship could or should go. It can make for pretty intense feelings surfacing, as our imaginations can occasionally convince us of things that just aren’t happening. Ok, so this embarrassing to admit, but when I was major crushing on this guy, I would convince myself that whenever I would look at him, that we were missing each other’s glances.
I think my problem is I’m more in love with the idea of love then the realism of what love actually is; it’s messy, complicated and takes a whole lot of work, because love without action is pointless. Then again, I have enough over love in my life; the love of my family and friends, to no longer care about finding romantic love.
“If I don’t have romance in my life then I won’t feel like I missed out on anything. Life is too short and I have the love of family and friends. I am more blessed than a lot of people.”ADHD Girl
Society seems to place huge emphasis on finding the one or having a relationship. It’s almost as if that if you make to a certain age single, then you’ve failed at something. It doesn’t help that we ADHDers do tend to shy away from a lot of forms of intimacy. We need a lot of trust, because of our tendency to lean towards paranoia and even when that trust is there, we are still nervous because we can think of all the potential ways things could go wrong.
If romance happens for me then it would be great, but if it doesn’t then I won’t feel like I have missed out on anything. You only get one life; all we can do is make the best of what we are given. It would be great to find someone one day who could fall in love with me ADHD and all, but just because I haven’t yet, doesn’t mean I’m worth anything less.
The one thing I will say is that if you are lucky enough to fall in love with someone with ADHD, and have them love you back, I can promise you this, we will love you whole hearted and without hesitation, because we just don’t know how to do anything less. Plus your life will certainly never ever be boring again.