Ok buckle in because this blog article is going to include me getting really vulnerable about something that happened to me a few weeks ago.
For the first time in over eight years, I attended a comic con by myself and if I’m honest it was a bit of disaster. I was already nervous about going cause most of the conventions I used to do were in my twenties and my ADHD symptoms have got substantial worse lately to the point I don’t do unorganised crowds, too much noise etc. unless I have to.
Knowing this about myself, I wanted to make sure I did everything possible to ensure I had a smooth day. When it got to the end of April and I hadn’t received my tickets (event on the 23rd) I emailed in explaining that social media said they had posted lanyards out to attendees and I hadn’t received mine. I got a lovely email back saying that as I was only attending for the day, I didn’t get a lanyard posted and showing my digital copy would be fine. There was a QR code in my email receipt so I naturally assumed that’s what they meant.
“In the last year or so I have noticed my ADHD symptoms go significantly worse, possibly linked to hormone changes.”
ADHD gIRL
Two days before the convention I noticed that they were offering accessibility stickers for guests with difficulties, I thought long and hard about whether to use this access, but ultimately, I decided to utilise it and sent them an email asking what proof was required and I could provide medical evidence if necessary. Once again, I got a lovely email back saying no evidence was needed and just ask for an accessibility sticker upon check in.
I got the 5:57am train and I was so nervous for missing it, I showed up at the train station 40 minutes ahead of schedule. Sat around in what looked like an abandon train station, I thought well at least I don’t need to panic. Navigating the London underground was fun, but helped by the fact I listened to classic FM through my headphones the entire time.
Upon arrival I asked for the accessibility check in and eagerly stepped forward to scan my ticket, you should have seen my face when I got told I would need to go over to another desk for them to print it for me. Feeling a bit uneasy I headed there, thinking well maybe I just scan the QR code, they print it and I’m in. Yep, unfortunately that was wishful thinking.
“Us ADHDers do not like it when things don’t go the way we expect and then begins the emotional dysregulation and anxiety”
When I got there, I explained to a woman I had been sent to print off my ticket, she took my email then said “your ticket was posted to you.” I replied “well I haven’t received it” She then said Well we have proof it was delivered. I was like right, but I’ve not physical seen it because I have OCD and if I’d have received it, I would have brought it. She then tried to tell me I would need to pay for a brand-new ticket at the cost of £50. EXCUSE ME?
That’s when the anxiety and emotional dysregulation really set in. I asked to speak to the manger and was directed towards a woman at the end who was already speaking to a group of four ladies. I was trying not to earwig, but I did manage to figure out, they were being charged for the exact same reason I was. Cue even more anxiety and emotional dysregulation, trying to contain myself so I don’t look like the weird girl rocking in the corner.
Then when I finally get a chance to speak to the woman, the first lady comes over to her and starts talking to her. Excuse me? What? I’ve contained my anxiety and emotions for ten minutes just so you can jump in and tell her what’s happening. I don’t think so! I told her I thought it was inappropriate and she needed to go away. After explaining to the second woman, she asked to see the email where I got told a digital ticket was ok.
“I was in so much shock over what the woman had said, this was the first time I’d actually advocated for myself and my additional need.”
ADHD gIRL
I showed her the email and also stressed I also enquired about the accessibility sticker. I anxiously told her I’d done everything possible to ensure that today went without a hitch. She tried to tell me that their response was based on weekend lanyards and not day tickets. Well, that’s all well and good but I had told them I was attending just on the Saturday. Eventually the woman told me to stop interrupting her. I explained the reason I’m interrupting is because I have ADHD and I’m becoming emotional dysregulated; AKA freaking out.
What she said next, shocked me to my very core. Her reply to me trying to explain why I am having difficulties communicating my needs was “Well everyone here is on the spectrum” WHAT THE HECK! My face and tone must have said it all because as soon as I replied “No, that is absolutely unacceptable, that is not inclusive behaviour at all” she offered to get the manager.
Now her defence, the actual manager was lovely and told me she would get me sorted. After checking through my email, she gave me my lanyard and said something about app, I’ll be honest at this point I wasn’t even sure what she was saying cause I just wanted to get the heck out of there and die in a corner somewhere.
“I couldn’t believe how much of my anxiety came out, but it was probably because I was by myself and had no one to mask for.”
Once I got inside, I made a beeline for the sensory room and spent the next 30 minutes trying to calm myself. The reason why I was so upset was not merely over what had happened but the fact that I had realised something incredibility important that day. I realised that 1. I am a person who masks (I just thought I was coping with my ADHD better) 2. I realised why I mask.
Sadly, inclusion in a lot of cases only seems to count if your invisible disability becomes visibility because of its severity. If you’re someone who comes across as somewhat competent and efficient, well hey-ho no learning difficulties for you because guess what? We have to see it to believe it!
“Inclusion must include hidden disabilities, otherwise it’s just an ideology.”
ADHD gIRL
This is the case with thousands of women and some men with ADHD, because we grow in a world that was not inclusive enough for us, we made ourself smaller to fit into that world and then we wonder where that becomes a point where we have either an epiphany or a breakdown.
I don’t know about anybody else but I am sick of feeling like I need to apologise just for being in the room, for making myself feel like my difficulties don’t matter because ‘everybody has got baggage’. So, from now on I’m going to ask for the support, I’m going to make my difficulties clear as crystal because I am done being small.
So, stay tunned as I’m about to launch a new campaign in the next few weeks called ‘Time to be Bigger’ not because we need to be more than we are, but because others need to step up and take responsibility if they really do care about inclusion.
