Ok so first things first, I don’t know if this an ADHD thing or just a me thing, but I’m willing to bet I’m not alone. Sometimes I can be in a situation or doing something where I am totally calm and have no need to fret, when out of no where I hear this little voice in my head say something totally annoying and mean.
Don’t get me wrong I never suddenly think “I’m going to commit a murder’ or something along them lines, I’m not as dark as that. However, sometimes I’m still shocked at some of the thoughts that come out of nowhere, as if somebody else has spoken to them.
I have what a therapist (yes I sometimes see a therapist and I don’t care who knows it!) referred to as my inner critic who pushes me way to hard and is sometimes very unkind to me. That totally makes sense for an ADHDer who is all or nothing in terms of productivity; driving ourselves hard gets results. I couldn’t help wondering if it was the same inner critic who comes out with some of these random and judgemental thoughts? Yet I quickly decided against it as usually I can rationalise why I am cruel to myself; I can rarely rationalise my judgemental thoughts.
To explore this further let me give you an example of a random less than kind thought. Sometimes I like to sing in the car loudly, proudly and without shame (with the windows up of course!) Yet one of my children do the same, I find myself thinking ‘I wish they would stop’ or ‘I can’t believe they are ruining the silence’ as if I should be the only one who is allowed to sing (that’s probably a moderate example, but the more severe are a tad more personal so I’m sure you’ll forgive me for not putting them on here). The rationale part of my brain knows that the thought is hypocritical and that anybody should be able to happily sing at any time, so why did I have that original thought?
I have a feeling it’s all down to the impulsiveness of my ADHD. I rarely have to face the consequences of physically being impulsive as over the years I’ve learned to block out impulsive action thoughts. Just like a good old game of whack-a-mole, I push them back down and try to make sure they don’t come back, then I can’t act on them. Sadly the opposite of this is overthinking, which I do a lot of.
“Everyone has irrational thoughts sometimes, but it doesn’t mean we have to act on them.”ADHD gIRL
However, I never stopped to consider that just because the impulsive action thoughts aren’t there consciously any more, doesn’t mean that I can’t have the occasional impulsive irrational thought. Don’t get me wrong, I think that everyone gets irrational thoughts or feelings every once in a while, but with me they tend to be more frequent, and I dwell upon them more.
I suppose the main thing I need to learn in realising that I can get impulsive cruel, annoying, or judgemental thoughts more often due to my ADHD, that they do not reflect who I am as a person. What makes the biggest difference is whether I choose to share those thoughts, whether I act on them and the choices I make in regard to them. In essence, I just need to be kind to myself and remind myself that just because I have some pretty great coping strategies does not mean I now have a brain that functions normally like everyone else’s. For better or worse, I still have ADHD.